Joe O. To Give Limb To Ailing Panda

In December, a resident of Dajiangou village in Shaanxi province stumbled upon a group of pandas fighting, the Beijing News said. One seriously injured panda, a two- or three-year-old female that rescuers named "Niu Niu" (girl), was taken to an animal rescue center and saved, but lost two-thirds of its front left leg.

An animal research center in northern China has appealed to the world for help to fashion an artificial leg for the panda, local media reported on Thursday. But they were astonished when one man offered his actual appendage to help the sacred panda.

“I’ve always been a fan of Asians, but I freakin’ love pandas and will do anything for them. I mean, look at them—they’re so damn cute and cuddly”, said Joe O. in a statement earlier this week. “I would give my leg, my eye or even my [expletive].”

China goes to great lengths to protect the giant panda, which is regarded a national treasure and found only in nature reserves in the country's Sichuan, Gansu, Churchvile and Shaanxi provinces. So does Joe O., “I have and always will protect them like they were children of my very own”, he proclaimed.

Niu Niu's spirits have lifted, the original wound has healed and her appetite has basically recovered. But without her left paw, her loss of balance has directly affected her love life, the paper said. “That’s just something I can’t let happen,” said Joe O., “Here I am with two good legs and a perfectly good sex life…how greedy can one man be?”

“It all makes perfect sense”, added Joe O., “It’s the circle of life.”

"Hakuna Matata"

Free At Last!

Manuel Uribe celebrates with champagne during his first trip out of his house in five years. "The sky is beautiful and blue, and what I want is to enjoy the sun," said Manuel Uribe, who had once been certified by doctors as weighing 1,235 pounds.

Though still unable to leave his bed, Uribe has lost 395 pounds since he began a high-protein diet a year ago. He now weighs about 840 pounds.

To celebrate the milestone, six people pushed Uribe's wheel-equipped iron bed out to the street as a mariachi band played and a crowd gathered. Then, a forklift lifted him onto a truck and the 41-year-old rode through the streets of San Nicolas de los Garza, a Monterrey suburb.
With dozens of reporters and photographers in tow, Uribe traveled along, passing the town's plaza and church and waving at clusters of people eager to get a glimpse of him.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/americas/03/07/mexico.large.man.ap/index.html

Sure. Why Not? Dig Him Up.

For some reason, Jay Richardson, son of J.P. “The Big Bopper” Richardson, found it necessary to exhume his father’s body. Nearly 50 years after the Big Bopper was buried, he was removed from his grave to see if he had a gunshot wound. There have been rumors a gun might have been fired on board the plane that also carried Buddy Holly and Richie Valens, and that the Big Bopper might have survived the crash and died trying to get help.

But in all reality, who the hell cares?

He died, right? Do you care if it was a gunshot wound or a plane crash or a gunshot wound AND a plane crash? I don’t—it was 50 fuckin’ years ago! Let it go, brother.

There are also rumors that this is a just a ploy to “get to know his father better”, since his mother was pregnant with him when his father died and the two never got to know each other intimately.

Richardson watched with bated breath as Dr. Bill Bass, a well-known forensic anthropologist, opened the coffin on Tuesday and observed his examination. "I was hoping to put the rumors to rest," he said, "Dad still amazes me 48 years after his death, that he was in remarkable shape." What?!?!

"There was no indication of foul play," Bass said in a telephone interview from Beaumont. "There are fractures from head to toe. Massive fractures. ... (He) died immediately. He didn't crawl away. He didn't walk away from the plane."

Richardson said he was pleased with the findings because it proved the investigators "knew what they were talking about 48 years ago."

Seriously, who the fuck does this guy think he is?

Maybe now that the rumors are “put to rest”, the same can be said for The Big Bopper….

Babes In Bluntland

Pass the Dutchie to the left-hand side. No matter who's there!

An Early Spring?

It's Fuckin' Cold, eh?

A Regular Ol’ Punxsutawney Phuck You!

Keep The Car Running

Unless you live under a rock, you know that Arcade Fire's much anticipated and already widely acclaimed new album Neon Bible hits stores today.

Check out a recent performance on SNL:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dw3QIYeT5MU

"On Neon Bible, the reverb is so big and black that the beat becomes boom and the orchestral garnish gets pressed to the margins. The result is a huge sound that only sparkles on the edges, leaving Butler alone in the middle, railing against rising tides, falling bombs and the nonstop rain of shit on television like he's singing from the pulpit of an empty cathedral. Maybe that was the idea. " --Rolling Stone

Not surprisingly, the band is pulling out all the stops on their MySpace page -- they even have Reginald VelJohnson up in that bitch -- check it out here:

http://www.myspace.com/arcadefire

The Silver Screen?

Hardly. Hell, it’s not even worth bronze anymore.

What is America doing? I just don’t get it. Wild Hogs, $39 million!?!? Norbit, $82 million?!?!? Ghostrider, $94 million?!?!?

Take a look at the Top 10 movies right now: http://www.the-movie-times.com/thrsdir/TopTen.mv

So let me get this right…..the people of America do not have the physical ability to stay home? The only possible reason I can think of, is that people are going to the movies without even knowing what is playing. I can’t imagine these people left the warmth of their home and the love each other to go see such garbage.

I mean, I have a pile of garbage at my house if you want to come over and watch it for two hours—oh yeah, bring your $10. Sucker.

Fabian in car wreck.......wait, who?

The nation was shocked this past weekend to learn that Fabian is indeed alive. The 64-year old former teen idol was not only alive, but still performing at the Spotlight Casino along with former teen idols Frankie Avalon and Lou Christie (who were also thought to have been long since dead).

The 64-year-old singer was riding with his manager and daughter near Palm Desert on Friday night when a car sideswiped their vehicle, which then rolled several times, Fabian's spokesman Steve Moyer said.

After suffering minor lacerations to his head, Fabian, ever the showman, insisted the "show must go on". "It's a miracle that we survived that accident," Fabian said in a statement. "Except for being sore, I thought I could do the show. I didn't want to disappoint the audience."

Disappoint, he did not. After subtle, yet elegant, renditions of "Turn Me Loose" and "Tiger", he lost his balance and fell off the stage.

Who said you can't take pleasure in other people's pain?

*****In a related story, FABIO would like you to know that he is alive and doing well.

Down To Earth

With the people of Philadelphia gearing up for what may be the most anticipated Phillies season in recent memory, I would like to take this time to “bring you down to earth”, if you will. For even when Philadelphia surpasses the competition, as seen in the video above, the world fails to recognize this feat and chooses to honor another.

Coincidence? I think not.

Just ask Billy Penn.......

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Curse_of_Billy_Penn

First Beaver Spotted in NYC in 200 Years

Beavers grace New York City's official seal. HI-OH! But the beaver has not been seen on the flesh here for as many as 200 years — until this week.

"It had to happen because Bill (Clinton) moved into the area recently. There are only so many beavers out there and their habitats are shrinking," said Dietland Muller-Schwarze, a beaver expert at the State University of New York College of Environmental Science and Forestry in Syracuse. "He’s a real ladies man, so we're probably going to see more of them in the future."

Beavers gnawed out a prominent place in the city's early days as a European settlement, since many Europeans prefer the body “au naturale”.

The “animal” appears in the city seal to symbolize a Dutch hair trading company that factored in the city's colonial beginnings, according to the city's Web site.

But amid heavy advancements in hygiene, beavers disappeared from the city in the early 1800s, according to the city Parks & Recreation Department.

The real sign of the times is that the beaver that has made its way to the Bronx appears to be a male????, several feet (a meter) long and 2 or 3 years old, said Patrick Thomas, the curator at the nearby Bronx Zoo.

Biologists have nicknamed the animal "Jose," as a tribute to the declining hygiene in Mexico and Spain.

The Bronx Democrats have lined up federal money for a cleanup (shaving).

Bill Clinton could not be reached for comment, but did offer this “come hither” gaze......