"Coka-Munga"

The Coca-Cola Corporation held a press conference yesterday to announce that its soft drinks will soon be available exclusively in 30-liter plastic bottles. According to company spokespeople, Coke's decision to sell its product in what many consider to be overly large containers is not based on a specific study or survey of consumer demands, but rather on the company's desire to make a resounding display of its corporate might.

The new bottles take up an enormous amount of display space.

Several major soft-drink companies attempted to improve on the standard two-liter size bottle by introducing a three-liter size in 1985, but the new size failed because of difficulties with storage and carbonation loss.

"The three-liter didn't fail because it was too big, but because it was not big enough," Coca-Cola CEO Vic Hertner said. "With our new 30-liter size, that won't be a problem. Two liters is nothing. I could urinate two liters for you right now. But 30 liters? That's untouchable."

The new plastic bottle is nearly four feet tall, and weighs 274 pounds when filled with Coke. In development tests, it took an average of three men to lift the new bottle. The product will fit in an average refrigerator, but only when all other products and shelving have been removed. Most inconvenient of all, the new Coke will go flat if not drunk within 17 minutes, even if it is promptly recapped. The Coca-Cola Corporation does not see these factors as drawbacks.

"By requiring three men to lift the bottle, our new product will encourage a sense of community," Hertner said. "The popular image of the lonely soda drinker wasting his life away in solitude will no longer be relevant, because anyone wanting to drink the new Coke will need two buddies to get the soda home, and at least 10 buddies to drink it all. The quick loss of carbonation might lead to tiny problems, but what are people going to do? Stop drinking Coke? I think not."

Coke stressed that the new 30-liter bottle would not be merely a new size option, but will soon be the only size option. "We're phasing out the smaller cans and bottles, as well as two-liter sizes," Hertner said. "We're confident that people will take to the new 30-liter size. Besides, they won't have a choice.

The new size is ready for the public, and the public is ready for it. After considering "Coka-Munga" and "The Shitload," executives settled on "Family Size" as the product's official name.