If You Haven't Seen It...

...see it.

HBO - Sundays at 10:30 PM - Flight Of The Conchords - New Zealanders Bret and Jemaine

Analyze This

My dream last night:

So, I’m in the back of a convenience store with Oprah and some other guy (I can’t see his face).

Now I get upset at what they’re doing (keep in mind, I either don’t remember what it was that they were doing or couldn’t see it to begin with) because it just feels wrong.

So I say “I’m outta here, no fucking way.” –and start to leave the back room.

Oprah says to the other guy, “where’s he going?”

I hear this, so I respond to her myself (who does she think she is?...talking like I’m not even there?), “I’m fucking out of here. Fuck you both.”

She looks my way and I can sense that either I CAN’T leave or Oprah doesn’t want me to…..so I pick up the pace to get out.

For reasons unknown to me I take a hard left out of the back room (the longer way to the front door) and start to trot.

I can hear Oprah say, “he’s not going anywhere!” -she then breaks into a full sprint.

I see Oprah hauling ass to the door to keep me in, so I run with all my might.

But I can’t run. I can only move my legs as if they were in molasses.

Just as I’m about to reach the door, FUCK!, Oprah comes flying in and blocks it with her meaty shoulder.

………I WAKE UP………

(it’s 2:30 AM and I’m soaked with sweat.)

Roman Helmet

Do you think this is the first time Jimmy Rollins has had balls on his forehead?

I don't.

Skin Flute

According to a study by the National Health and Social Life Survey, the U.S. circumcision rate peaked at nearly 90 percent in the early 1960s but began dropping in the '70s. By 2004, the most recent year for which government figures are available, about 57 percent of all male newborns delivered in hospitals were circumcised. In some states, the rate is well below 50 percent.

Chris Kattan's Greatest Role

Sunset Tan chronicles the lives of the managers and employees of a Los Angeles, California tanning salon. The series premiered on May 28, 2007 on the E! television network. But PLEASE save yourself some time...NEVER watch this!

Sharing Needles

Doctors in southern China were planning to perform surgery on a 1-year-old boy whose parents took him to a hospital because he had been unusually fussy and learned he had six sewing needles in his body, newspapers reported Monday.

An X-ray taken revealed five needles throughout the boy's torso. He was sent for surgery at another hospital, where a second X-ray revealed four more needles, two in his scrotum, two more in his abdomen. Yet another X-ray showed a needle that had apparently been pushed through the top of the child's head.

The photographs showed the needles completely embedded inside the boy.

"We have to perform the surgery as soon as possible, but we cannot promise that we can remove all the needles," the doctor, Gu Yong, was quoted as saying.

The child's parents, migrant workers from southwest China, said they had no idea how the needles ended up in their son, nicknamed Xiao Yu. The parents, who work at a bag factory in southern China's Guangzhou city, said no strangers have come into contact with the boy.

Happy Brithday Paula!

Born today way back in 1962...

...now when are you gonna die?

Hittin 'Em Both!!! Kudos!

A 38 year old middle school teacher in Prescott, Wis. has been fired and the Pierce County Sheriff is investigating claims she had sex with a 13-year-old student.

The student's father said he found the two having a middle of the night rendezvous together at the teacher's home after the boy stole his mother's car. Sources said the woman's husband and 13-year-old daughter were home at the time.

The father filed a restraining order which claims the two had sexual intercourse. He said he has copies of e-mails between the two.

The school superintendent also said the teacher and student did not meet in the classroom. "He was dating the lady's 13-year-old daughter before this happened," said Simones.

Zebra Lunch

If the carcass smells rotten, move on...

Soap & Water

A foul-smelling package that led to the evacuation of a post office next to the Smithsonian's National Postal Museum turned out to be the “johnson” of a nearby homeless man who hadn’t showered in 18 days.

"No wonder it smelled," said Deborah Yackley, a spokeswoman for the U.S. Postal Service. "it was worse than my panties after a marathon."

A postal worker alerted police shortly before 11 a.m. after seeing the homeless man approach a counter with no one around. The man had no postage and no address.

District of Columbia police bomb technicians X-rayed the man’s package and a hazardous materials team inspected it before determining that it was just dirty and smelly, not dangerous. The erection, UHH – I MEAN THE EVACUATION lasted several hours.