Monday?!?

Where's my weekend? Where's my Bloody Mary? Where the hell is my bed?

Ladies and Gentlemen - John Locke!

Before your very eyes...

Lunacy!

LONDON, England (AP) -- The moon will turn shades of amber and crimson Saturday night as it passes behind the Earth's shadow in the first total lunar eclipse in three years.

Lunar eclipses occur when Earth passes between the sun and the moon, blocking the sun's light. The event is rare because the moon spends most of its time either above or below the plane of Earth's orbit.

Although it will pass completely under Earth's shadow, light from the sun will still reach the moon after being refracted through Earth's atmosphere, giving the moon an eerie dark reddish tinge.

Earth's shadow will begin moving across the moon at 3:18 p.m. ET Saturday, with the total eclipse occurring at 5:44 p.m. ET and lasting more than an hour.

Moose Passed The New Jersey Bar Exam!!!!

Seen here trying to quench an unquenchable thirst or take a bath—the world may never know.

Despite no well-wishers, blessings of good luck, and being often depicted as laconic and good-natured but not terribly bright, Moose has once again managed to flex his antlers with the utmost superiority. Sometimes you eat the bar, and sometimes the bar eats you. Normally though, moose eat saplings and shrubs, but not this past Saturday—last Saturday this Moose devoured the bar.

The male moose will drop its antlers after mating season in order to conserve energy for the winter season. It will then re-grow them in the spring. Well by god, it looks like spring has arrived because Moose has got his antlers poking out in every direction! The usual stride of a moose is a shambling trot but, when pressed, they can break into a gallop and reach speeds of up to 55 km/h (34 mph). I don’t think I’m alone when I say that this Moose has been humming at 34 mph for years now. So join me in congratulating Moose on not only being a national animal of Canada, Norway, and Sweden but also for continuing to fight the law………….AND WIN.


In a related story, Cheese has passed the Bar Mitzvah! After all these years of suffering he’ll finally be a man. He will parlay his newly found manhood into the lead role of David, the Israeli soldier of the West Bank Story.

A musical comedy set in the fast-paced, fast-food world of competing falafel stands on the West Bank... David, an Israeli soldier, falls in love with the beautiful Palestinian cashier, Fatima, despite the animosity between their families' dueling restaurants. Can the couple's love withstand a 2000 year old conflict and their families' desire to control the future of the chic pea in the Middle East?

www.westbankstory.com

The Day I Thought I Was Spider-Man….

I woke up and got in the shower, but everything was “different”. It was early…..almost too early, but there was work to be done. I almost slipped in the shower, but somehow managed to catch myself moments before my face slammed into the ceramic tile. While I was toweling off, I noticed I was bigger and unusually spry.

I got back to my room and put in my contact lenses, but there was a problem—there must be something on the lens. I take out the contact to inspect for nanobots or other dirt particles clouding my vision. When I take out the contact, I could see…..perfectly. My vision was restored. I had no need for that flimsy piece of plastic over my eye. My powers were growing by the second……

Then I realized that I had put the contact lenses in an old case with another set. So in effect I had two contacts on my eyes to begin with, causing the blurry vision. When I removed one, my vision became clear again. So I don’t have super-human powers? Damn. That made me retrace my morning for evidence that I still was “powerful”…..

As it turns out, everything felt “different” because I was still hung over. It WAS early and I had to go to work. I did slip in the shower, but I didn’t catch myself—I have the bruises to prove it. I’m no bigger than I ever was, the mirror was just foggy. And I still have the same near-sighted vision.

For the love of god, I need to stop watching Heroes.

Surprise! Big Pussy….a BIG PUSSY!

Vincent Pastore said that he "didn't realize how physically demanding" the show would be for him. What a crock of shit!!

I don’t even watch this horrible, horrible excuse for a show, yet I’m disgusted at this fat man’s inability to dance for an hour. He has disgraced every fat man on this entire planet with his poor display of effort and pride. Exactly what the hell did he think went on in this damn show? I mean he can see them dancing, right? He had to know this commitment involved movement, something for him that is severely hindered.

Does this man have no friends? No people close to him that could’ve told him months ago that he was too fat to get a beer out of the fridge, let alone Lambada thru the night? Actually now that I think about it, I’m more disgusted at his agent, PR representative and mother for ever letting him do this in the first place!

I ran into J.L "Fatman" McCabe, of Jake and The Fat Man, today and asked his feelings on this. “No comment. I don’t speak about big (pussy) quitters”, he quipped.

If you really need a fat guy to cheer for you'll have to cheer for Joey “Fat-one” now that any reason to ever watch the show is gone.

The Clock Is Ticking

“This story is awesome. Reminds me of when that snake and mouse became best friends in that Japanese zoo about a year or so ago. Wait, shouldn't they just make a zoo filled with all these animals that become best friends across species?”—Avon Marksdale

It certainly is cute that a pair of month-old Sumatran tiger twins have become inseparable playmates with a set of young orangutans, an unthinkable match in their natural jungle habitat in Indonesia's tropical rainforests.

But aren’t we missing the bigger picture?

In the world of reality TV and online gambling that we currently live in, wouldn’t this make a great TV show? We could call it “Natural Selection” or something Darwin-like. The show is much like The Truman Show, but in this case with orangutans and tigers. We put together a fake habitat (done.) in which they can play and befriend each other in the early days of their lives. Then we sit back and watch the carnage unfold.

People of the world could gamble on such things as the first to leave the environment, the first to stop playing, the first to die, last animal standing, etc. With names like “Nia and Irma”, and “Dema and Manis”, the bets are sure to roll in.

Veterinarian Retno Sudarwati seems to agree, “It's sad, but we can’t change their natural behavior." "Tigers start eating meat when they are three months old”, she said.

I agree it’s sad, but the clock is ticking……………………..and my money is on tiger cub, “Preying” Manis.

Who is your money on?

HaHa!---It’s your world, but here---it’s mine.

Why Take MATH When You Can Take METH !?!

NBC10 - A middle school principal was taken into police custody after allegedly selling meth out of his school office, according to police and The Allentown Morning Call newspaper.

Police said John Acerra was arrested, and the Lehigh Valley-based newspaper reported that the Nitschmann Middle School principal sold crystal methamphetamine to police informants three times this month. The article said he sold it once out of his school office.

The 50-year-old man was arrested Tuesday and meth was found on his desk, the Morning Call reported. Police were expected to release more information Tuesday.

UPDATE!!!! YOU GOTTA READ IT TO BELIEVE IT!!!

'Bizarre' details emerge in Bethlehem principal's arrest. When police entered the office of Nitschmann Middle School Principal John Acerra to arrest him for allegedly selling crystal methamphetamine, they found the 50-year-old educator naked and watching gay pornography with sex toys nearby, sources say.Police also found a glass drug pipe and $200 in marked money on the desk, just minutes after an informant wearing a wire arranged to buy meth from Acerra about 6 p.m. Tuesday, officials said.

Stocks sink on fears about Chyna and growth...

No Shit!!! Be afraid......be very afraid.

Separated at Birth?

Popeye Jones is certainly ugly, as you can see from his likeness to Sloth.

But did you ever realize how much Michael Wilbon looked like a terrorist?

Or how similar Calvin Booth and John Kerry appear?

If I’ve piqued your interest check out some more:

http://www.wizznutzz.com/birth.html