Genius

"Opinions are like buttholes. Everyone's got one.......and they stink."
-Tracy Morgan

***Breaking News- Tracy Morgan was on Howard Stern this morning and said that they will resume filming 30 Rock in three weeks. More importantly, he said the Alec Baldwin is expected to return!!! Sweet Jesus.

He'll Fit Right In

Julio Mateo, whom the Phillies acquired from the Seattle Mariners just before the non-waiver trade deadline Tuesday in exchange for Reading shortstop Jesus Merchan, is currently facing charges for allegedly assaulting his wife Aurea in a Manhattan hotel on May 5.

According to police reports, Mateo allegedly punched, choked and bit his wife in the lip, resulting in a cut that required five stitches.

Just a week prior, Seattle police were called to Mateo's apartment after a 911 dispatcher reported hearing an argument and two hang-up calls. When the officers arrived, Mateo's wife was found in the hallway near two broken phones and appeared to have been choked.

Based on his numbers and experience, one would think Mateo, who turns 30 today, should at least be pitching in Triple A Ottawa right now. But because of his pending legal issues, Mateo, who is in the last season of his contract, is prohibited from traveling outside of the United States.

ZING!

Goin' Apeshit

StreetView

A camera-toting tipster saw what appeared to be a giant armada of Chevy Cobalt cars in the Google parking lot, getting ready to take pictures of the entire world (or thereabouts) with special 360° cameras.

It was an entire fleet of at least 30 brand-new Chevy Cobalt cars parked behind the building, most without license plates yet. Each had a metal device attached to its top, which looks suspiciously like a vertical extension for mounting Google's StreetView 360° camera.

Google is "preparing their invasion of US cities with an armada of C.C.C.Cs (Chevy Cobalt Camera Cars). Chevy Cobalts are cheap but they certainly will be conspicuous. Maybe that's what they want."

With Google's zillions, just about anything's possible. They’ve got their eye on you!! -The End Is Near.

Crossing Guard

How will the snakes, frogs and salamanders cross the Garden State Parkway?

Through tunnels - if they can find them.

As part of the New Jersey Turnpike Authority's $135 million plan to widen the highway from two lanes to three between Toms River and Manahawkin, it has set aside $9 million to build tunnels that would allow various critters to cross the highway without the danger of being hit by traffic.


The tunnels are intended to help timber rattlesnakes, northern pine snakes, Pine Barrens tree frogs, Cope's gray tree frogs and eastern tiger salamanders, all critters whose habitat would be disturbed by the widening. All the animals are on federal or state threatened or endangered species lists.

Deja Vu?

Authorities discovered dead cats in cold storage and dozens more animals living in filthy conditions Tuesday at the home of a man who led police on a high-speed chase and later claimed he was rushing his sick cat to the veterinarian.

The dead cats were found rolled inside towels and many had handwritten notes detailing when and where the animal was found dead, the SPCA of Texas said.

Workers also removed 11 dogs and 43 cats and kittens from Teague's home, which had feces and urine-soaked furniture, hundreds of empty cans of food and litter boxes full of feces, the SPCA of Texas said in a statement.

Chocolate Rain

Original Song by Tay Zonday

Animal H8ter

Police removed 100 pets from a Reading home on Tuesday, including 40 dead animals from a freezer.

Judith Vonderheide's license plate may say "Animal Lover," but the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals said she's anything but.

The SPCA removed dozens of animals from her home, including ferrets, guinea pigs, birds, reptiles and several dogs.

Officers say the dogs were found in cages filled with feces and urine.

Neighbors said that they're not surprised.

"She would let them out once or twice daily if they were lucky. They would get loose and sort of terrorize the neighborhood and little kids," Donna Marcum said.

"Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous"

Soon-to-be-jailed celebrity socialite Nicole Richie said she is pregnant by her boyfriend, singer Joel Madden of the rock band Good Charlotte.

"We are. I'm almost four months," said Richie, 25, in an interview with ABC's Diane Sawyer that will air Thursday.

Richie was stopped in December when police said she was seen driving the wrong way on a Los Angeles freeway. Officers said she failed a field sobriety test and admitted she had smoked marijuana and taken prescription painkiller Vicodin.

The waif-like daughter of singer Lionel Richie pleaded guilty Friday to driving under the influence of drugs and was sentenced to four days in jail. She has been ordered to serve her time by September 28 and put on three years probation.

Richie rose to fame as hotel heiress Paris Hilton's co-star on the reality series "The Simple Life." Hilton spent three weeks behind bars in June for violating her probation in a drunken-driving case.

Avon Marksdale,

I could use one of these...