WWIII

Animal rights campaigners in Germany have called on Berlin's Zoo to kill a baby polar bear that has been rejected by its mother rather than have it raised by humans. I agree. Kill the “Kraut”.

The three-month-old polar bear cub has captured the hearts of many Germans. But when you put “captured” and “Germans” in the same sentence, things usually end bad. Baby Knut and his twin brother were born in December, so they’re both Sagittarius’. Sagittarius’ are known for their teaching abilities, but what is Knut gonna teach the world? How to eat fish or sleep?!?! We already have sushi and beds, something little Knutty can’t say. Kill the “Kraut”.

They were rejected by their mother and were left exposed to freezing temperatures, so besides being a “frigid bitch” –so to speak-, she probably knew what she was doing. Since then, Knut has been nurtured by a keeper who has slept by his side and bottle-fed him. Quit playing mommy, and kill the “Kraut”.

Knut’s father is seen below. Hurry and kill the bear!! Before it’s too late…

A True Role Model

SNL isn't funny, but this was.

Go Ease

"UNDER-EASE"

ANTI-FLATULENCE UNDERWEAR

Revolutionary New Underwear For Offensive Gas

http://www.under-tec.com/index.php

A Real Product for a Real Problem.

Scott Baio To Marry!

(*correction: Bao Xishun to marry*)

After searching high and low – mostly high –, the world's tallest man has married a woman two-thirds his height, a Chinese newspaper reported Wednesday.

Rejoice!

Bao Xishun, a 7-foot-9-inch (2.36-meter) herdsman (a fellow shepherd!?!) from Inner Mongolia, married saleswoman Xia Shujian, who was 5 feet 6 inches (1.68 meters) tall, several days ago, the Beijing New reported. Bao's 28-year-old bride is half his age and pretty much half his height.

She hails from his hometown of Chifeng, even though marriage advertisements were sent around the world. I guess when your 7-foot-9 inches tall “marriage advertisements” are the way to go. The newspaper said that, "the effort has been finally paid off after a long and careful selection.”

You may remember Bao most from the breaking news in December, when he used his long arms to save two dolphins at a local zoo by pulling out plastic from their stomachs.

“He’s a true hero for saving the dolphins,” said Scott Baio when reached for comment, “but the only time I’ve been involved with the Chinese was a crazy weekend in Bangkok-if you know what I mean…!?!”

We sure do, Scott. We sure do.

Life. (in 90 seconds)

Ben takes a photo of himself everyday. EVERY DAY. EVERY SINGLE DAY.

The Tangled Web We Weave

The Garden City Police Department reports the details of an arrest for Criminal Sale of a controlled substance that occurred on March 13, 2007 at 9:45 p.m. in Garden City.

Garden City Detectives report that the defendant, Joshua W. O'Neil, 32, posted an ad on Craigs List that he would supply cocaine to any female in the area that would respond to the ad.

Garden City Detectives Robert Rothermel and Kevin Madden responded to the ad.

They requested assistance from a female Nassau County Narcotics Detective and a meeting was arranged. The defendant agreed to exchange crack cocaine for sexual favors. The officer met with the defendant and he was placed under arrest when a quantity of alleged crack cocaine was recovered in the defendant’s vehicle.

Joshua O'Neil was charged with Criminal Sale of a Controlled Substance 3rd degree. Criminal Possession of a controlled substance with intent to sell. The defendant was arraigned at First District Court and held in $10,000 bail with a hearing scheduled for Friday March 23rd.

Panty Raid!!

A man (not pictured above) was charged with theft and burglary after police said they found 93 pounds of women's panties, brassieres and other underwear at his home. Investigators believe Garth M. Flaherty, 24, took as many as 1,500 undergarments from apartment complex laundry rooms before he was caught, police Cmdr. Chris Tennant said. A man was seen taking underwear from two laundry rooms Saturday, a witness recorded his license number, and Flaherty was identified from photographs, Tennant said.

Police found enough underwear in his bedroom to fill five garbage bags, Tennant said. "He said he had a problem," Tennant said.

When asked if the victims would get their unmentionables back……"Would you really want them back?" he asked. "I would say not."

I'm pretty sure that if you have 93 pounds of anything….ANYTHING!....you have a problem. I think this proves it?!?!

"The Brother Can't Drive."

So said comic Eddie Griffin after crashing a rare Ferrari Enzo worth $1.5 million. The “Undercover Brother” was taking part in a promotional charity race at the Irwindale Speedway when he drove too fast around a curve. A publicist said Griffin walked away completely unscratched, but probably a little shaken." The car's owner said it was totaled. Only 400 Ferrari Enzos were ever produced, all between 2002 and 2004.

Breaking News. (or so they say...)

You see something like this:

Punk rocker jailed over fatal stabbing

And you get to thinking, “oh shit, who the hell is that?”……

Then you read this:

LOS ANGELES, California -- The singer with defunct punk rock band Mest was jailed on suspicion of murder in Los Angeles Sunday after police said he confessed to stabbing his ex-girlfriend's new lover.

Tony Lovato, 26, was held on $1 million bail after telling police that he was assaulted earlier in the day by Wayne Hughes, 25, in the underground parking lot of an apartment building in the suburb of Studio City.

MEST?!?! Who the F is MEST? Why does anyone think I would care about their lead singer? Jail? Good. Great. They probably sucked anyway…

Mest, which formed in suburban Chicago, recorded four albums for Madonna's Maverick Records before breaking up in early 2006. Its last album, 2005's "Photographs," peaked at No. 116 on the U.S. album charts.

116? Come on! K-Fed had a better career then these fools……

Lean, Green And On The Screen. Again.

The Ninja Turtles are back, and they're winning. Again. (Don’t worry-April O’Neil and Splinter are there too.)

The Warner Brothers adventure "TMNT," a computer-animated update of the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" comics, cartoons and 1990s live-action movies, debuted as the top weekend flick with $25.45 million in ticket sales, according to studio estimates Sunday.

• “300” came in second and will most likely bore me for 300 more weeks
• “Shooter” pulled into third place and somehow has nothing to do with Shooter McGavin!?!
• “The Last Mimzy”, although fantastically titled, stalled in fifth
• “Reign Over Me”, Adam Sandler’s lastest lame movie, came up lame for a 8-spot
• “Pride” a fantastic documentary on swimming lions finished their lap in ninth.

I’ll leave you with a few words from Splinter, mutant rat, master and father figure of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles:

Splinter: Death comes for us all, Oroku Saki, but something much worse comes for you. For when you die, it will be
[Shredder throws a hidden knife; Splinter catches it, releasing the spear and letting Shredder fall from the building and land in the back of a garbage truck]
Splinter: ...Without honor.

I Love This Country?

Fire broke out in a Moscow nightclub early Sunday, killing 10 people, an Emergency Situations Ministry spokesman said.

Now, there were two things in that statement that were shocking to me, other than the actual deaths. First off, Moscow has a nightclub? And secondly, 10 people were there?!?! Wow.

The cause of the blaze had not been determined, but some witnesses said it broke out during a "fire show" that was part of the club's nightly entertainment. Okay, now this is making some sense…gimme some more.

The preliminary accounts indicated that a performer in the show inadvertently set his clothing on fire and that in turn ignited a nearby 5-liter (1.2-gallon) container of inflammable liquid. Aahhh, there is the Russia I know. So let me get this right; they have a “fire show” and they keep a highly combustible liquid near the stage? Brilliant.

Yakov Smirnoff was reached for comment and had this to say, “In the US, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, Party finds you!” Interesting, very interesting…

The Second Coming

Alan Thicke's son has more soul than most of the brothas on this show....and he's Canadian. I don't know--you figure it out.

The Heavy-w(HATE) Championship

I don’t watch Dancing With The Stars, but the hate people have for Heather Mills these days is palpable almost anywhere on God’s green Earth. Since her messy divorce with St. Paul [McCartney] hit the newspapers, the world has wanted her head. All this hatin’ on an amputee got me thinking…..

Who is the most hated amputee of all time?

It’s not an easy question. Nor is it one that anyone wants to answer, for that matter, but the question remains.


Not since Frederick Sykes, of The Fugitve, has the community been so united in their hatred for an amputee. The pain and horror that Dr. Richard Kimble had to endure was almost unbearable as the “one-armed man” eluded justice and roamed free.

Given her new “15 minutes” on the ABC show, Heather Mills is reaching new levels of hate and is challenging Sykes for the title.

Is there sympathy for the leg versus the arm? Can Sykes make people remember? Will the McCartney Effect triumph? Are The Beatles bigger than Jesus?

We may never know, but all that really matters is……..Who do you hate more?

Korean BBQ

If that last Shatner video made you want to end your life, here’s an idea:


Charcoal-burning suicide is a suicide method that first appeared in Hong Kong in 1998. The method became popular and spread to South China, Taiwan, overseas Chinese and Japanese communities. On March 9, 2007, Brad Delp, the lead singer of the rock band Boston, became the highest-profile suicide using this method.

A person committing suicide burns charcoal in a closed room. The oxygen in the air of the room is gradually exhausted as the charcoal burns. In the meantime, incomplete combustion of carbon produces carbon monoxide which combines with hemoglobin, hindering the delivery of oxygen to the body. The person will die from carbon monoxide poisoning or hypoxia.

Delp was found on the floor of the bathroom, his head on a pillow. He left behind a note paper-clipped to the neck of his shirt along with 5 Southern BBQ Briskets, Pulled BBQ Pork, Memphis Style Dry Hickory Smoked BBQ Ribs, a whole BBQ Chicken and 50 BBQ Chicken Wings.

The note read, "Mr. Brad Delp. Jai une ame salitaire. I am a lonely soul," according to police reports released Thursday.

Zero Hour. 9:00am.

Mars ain't the kind of place to raise a kid...Rock it, man.

The Last Boy Scout. Found.

A rescue dog led searchers Tuesday to a 12-year-old copy of The Last Boy Scout that had been missing for four days. The disappearance touched off an intensive search involving bloodhounds, heat-seeking helicopters and dozens of volunteers on foot. Once found, the copy was weak and scratched but still played on a DVD player in the rugged North Carolina mountains, about two kilometers from the local BlockBuster.

The Last Boy Scout, a kick-ass film with everything from explosions and action, to a great cast with funny one-liners from Bruce Willis, Damon Wayans and Halle Berry. There are a lot of great memorable scenes in this film, none of which are worth remembering.

Weather had remained a concern for searchers because temperatures had hovered near and below freezing at night. "Our main concern was rain," White said, noting that rain was a possibility in the region's forecast. "Rain would have been worse than snow…rain would have warped the disc. We just wanted to get it before the weather turned and we did."

Park service ranger Tina White said there had been "no indication whatsoever that there had been any foul play. We truly believe we've dealt with a lost movie out in the woods."

With tears in his eyes, Kent Auberry, the owner of the video, added: "To have our movie back is a tremendous blessing."

Royale With Cheese

So I’m sitting here sipping on my FREE iced coffee, ‘hanging ten’ on the World Wide Web, when I came across this little gem....

**McDonalds "Big Mac" for a buck! ....sorta.**

it takes a little effort....a friend of mine turned me on to this.....

step one: go to mcdonalds.
step two: order a double cheesburger from the $1.00 menu.
step three: this is the most important step....say "dress it like a ‘big mac’".
step four: enjoy your "big mac" minus the extra bun in the middle. (was the bun really worth the extra $1.29 anyway???)

i've done this at three different mcdonalds. everytime i do it, the receipt says "double cheeseburger...change to big mac sc."

you get "two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a cheesburger bun".

enjoy!!

I can’t tell if I’m impressed, irritated, thankful, insulted, jubilant, annoyed, blessed, cheated, liberated, resentful, fascinated, infuriated, concerned, enraged, hopeful, appalled or anxious?!?!?!......but I am hungry.

Spring Fling!

Enjoy The First Day Of Spring….for FREE!

Dunkin' Donuts:
Dunkin' Donuts wants to help customers put winter on ice. On Wednesday, March 21st, the official first day of spring, Dunkin' Donuts will host it’s first-ever all day, nationwide "Free Iced Coffee Day", to help customers put winter on ice.

For 24 hours on March 21, customers can visit any participating Dunkin' Donuts restaurant in the country and receive a free 16 oz. cup of Dunkin' Donuts' premium iced coffee.

"We look forward to treating everyone to a free cup of our delicious, freshly brewed iced coffee to celebrate the arrival of spring," says Robert Rodriguez, Dunkin' Donuts brand president, “it’s so good, you’ll want to dip your balls in it.”


Rita’s:

Also, to welcome in the first day of spring on Wednesday, March 21st, all 400 plus Rita’s locations will give away a FREE Regular Italian ice to everyone!

Although if you’re trying to “get your custard on”, you’ll have to pay extra…

I Saw This In The Licker Store….

Sure, it’s an unfortunate name. But what’s with the huge erect penis behind it? Who knew Barbados was so phallic?

Not only does this make me want to live a life of sobriety, but it also makes me fear the Caribbean.

Now that’s just not right.

Trebek In Menage A Trois. Finally.

A "Jeopardy!" first on Friday -- after more than two decades of games in its current syndicated incarnation -- the famed trivia game show had its first three-way.

The three contestants on the venerable U.S. game show all finished with $16,000 after each answering the final question correctly in the category, "Will you fuck Alex Trebek" on Friday's show. They identified that they would indeed "fuck" Mr. Trebek and were rewarded with a victory.

"We've had a lot of crazy things happen on 'Jeopardy!' but in 23 years (as host) I've never seen anything like this before," host Alex Trebek said.

The show contacted a mathematician who calculated the odds of such a three-way happening -- one in 25 million. However, the mathematician probably based his calculations on pure chance, rather than Trebek's historic sex life. In "Jeopardy's" world, with contestants having some control over their sexual acts, the end result was something less than that.

Defending champion Scott Weiss could be seen whispering something to his competitors as his wager was revealed, indicating that Weiss knew exactly what he was doing in setting up the three-way. "I was hungry. Sexually.", quipped Weiss. His opponents both went into Final Jeopardy with $8,000, while Weiss had $13,400.

The three contestants were all declared champions -- which means each had "done the deed" with Trebeck -- and have filmed a sex-tape that will air Monday.

Ha-Ha-Ha, Bless Your Soul.

Take it easy on Sunday and just watch...

Happy St. Patty's Day!

Now get out there and find your pot o' gold!

Court Is In Session

Verdict: That is one jazzy theme song.

He Died For Your Sinbad.

Sinbad is dead. No, wait, that’s just his hair, wardrobe, comedic style and career.

Actor-comedian Sinbad had the last laugh after his Wikipedia entry announced he died of a heart attack on Saturday. "Saturday I rose from the dead and then died again," the Los Angeles-based entertainer told The Associated Press in a phone interview.

I thought he said “last laugh”? That shit wasn’t even humorous.

When asked if he was upset about the mix-up, Sinbad, whose real name is David Adkins, just laughed. Impressive, since no one has laughed at him in almost twenty years. Good to see that he’s still got the same sense of humor that landed him the role of Coach Walter Oakes in “A Different World”.

With his new-found fame in death, Sinbad hopes to land more movie roles and endorsements.

Can anyone say “Houseguest 2”?!?!!!

Happy 58th!

Please join me in celebrating the birth of Francis "Ponch" Poncherello.

We all love him and we all miss ChiPs.

“Sometimes I “Finger” 3, 4, 5 times a day,” says Erik Estrada, a loyal supporter of FingerMyBlog.

Jeremy, Spoken.

Yesterday, Ron Jeremy, admitted sexual mastermind, confessed to hundreds of “slayings” during his lifetime. “I slay bitches on a nightly basis. I always have and always will. I love it. It’s my job.” boasted Jeremy. The admission was part of testimony that was originally removed from a Freedom Of Speech disclaimer shown before adult movies.

While under oath, Jeremy also acknowledged he planned, financed or ran training for a catalog of high-profile adult products. Plans included operations to ass-ass-inate several U.S. adult film starlets and to work with world-famous porn stars Panama Anal and London's Big Ben.

“I am responsible for the operations, from A to Z,” Jeremy said through a representative.

Officials have said the sessions would last between two and three hours each, but it could take days or weeks to know what transpired, because the findings must be approved by higher authorities.

Spelling Seed

Former "Beverly Hills, 90210" star Tori Spelling gave birth to a son yesterday at Cedars-Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles.

The star went into labor in the early hours of Tuesday morning, giving birth to a 6 pounds 6 ounces baby llama.

Spelling and husband Dean McDermott, the llama's father, have named their son Lliam Aaron MmcDermott in memory of late media mogul Aaron Spelling.

The actress' brother, Randy, recently said Tori and her estranged mother Candy were in the process of reconciling their relationship before the baby's birth. The two had a troubled relationship which deteriorated even further after the death of Aaron Spelling last June. Candy is reported to have been at her daughter’s side for the birth of the llama, despite these past differences.

Randy told People magazine, "They are going to be there for each other. My mom is getting both a grandchild and a llama, and that puts everything into perspective."

A Little Something To Get You Over That Hump

Laziness is the one divine fragment of Godlike existence left to Man from Paradise.

Never put off until tomorrow what can be put off 'til the day after tomorrow.

Scaling The Language Barrier

Long story short…..I signed up for some free crap from Baya Health Ltd.

You enter your basic information on the entry form, then you hit submit. This was the message they displayed after:

Is that a good or a bad sign?

A Celebration Fit For A King!

Andre.—The Beer of Champagnes!!

Welcome Home (from Venezuela) JR and Snoozin'!

Foxworthy not FOX-worthy?

Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?
Yes.
Is anyone uglier than Jeff Foxworthy?
No.


What were they thinking with this one? Fox really shit the bed when casting came around. I thought sex sold? Foxworthy looks like a 50 year old minister that has a part time job at the library. Did he always wear glasses? Are there elbow pads on that suit jacket?

Why should I watch this show? Is it because the show takes them 30 minutes to show 4 god damn questions? Is it because I like to know I’m smarter than some of the idiots they put on there? Is it just to feel good about myself? Is it to see the cocky 5th grade nerds, who if anywhere else would be ridiculed for their zeal to learn? Is it to watch a contestant talk through the answer of how parallel lines never meet, then need the help of the audience?

No. There is no reason to watch this show.

I think Van Halen had it right with Hot For Teacher.
Now there’s a show I would watch:

Drug Scandal Rocks Tour de France

Stallone, seen here at a recent ‘Finger My Blog’ rally, was the early favorite of The Tour.

A major doping scandal threw the first Tour de France of the post-Floyd Landis era into chaos Friday, with favorite Sylvester Stallone forced out of the world’s premier cycling race under a cloud of suspicion. Aging Hollywood hunk Sylvester Stallone faces stiff fines after prosecutors said 48 vials of human growth hormone were found with the actor. The maximum penalty for bringing growth hormones illegally into Australia is a fine of $86,000 and five years in prison.

Chuck Norris, the lawyer for Stallone, the 60-year-old star of the "Rocky" and "Rambo" movie franchises, represented him in a Sydney court on Tuesday where he faces one charge of importing a banned substance. “Stallone isn't likely to receive such a sentence,” explained Chuck Norris, “Because as he told Rob Schneider in Judge Dredd, ‘He is the law’”.

Human Growth Hormone is officially considered a performance-enhancing drug in Australia, and it cannot be imported without a permit from the Therapeutic Goods Administration.

In the United States, on the other hand, the drug is promoted and encouraged among athletes since it’s virtually undetectable…

The Big Dance

Noah's Arcade

Haiku...

Isn't it weird that if you shorten St. Patty's Day is spells SPD...which is very close to SPUD....which, eerily enough, is another word for potato....and the Irish are known for the Potato Famine? Isn't that weird?

Chris Simon To Try Out For Devil Rays

“It’s a great opportunity for me,” said Chirs Simon, of the NY Islanders, after receiving an NHL best 25 game suspension over the weekend. Since he won’t have to worry about hockey anymore this year, he can focus on baseball and getting the timing back in his swing.

“As you can see from the photo”, added Simon, “I was a little behind [the ball] and would really like to get my hand speed back.”

With spring training in full swing – no pun intended – baseball is beginning to steal fans from the already empty NHL arenas around the country. And you can’t blame Simon for his excitement. In a city that thrives on post season action, New York has been rather quiet over that past few years.

Simon still has paperwork to file and other formalities with both leagues before he can get started. Rumor has it that Simon will need some extra time to get used to running, rather than skating. Aside from that, Simon is already ahead of most players on the Tampa Bay Devil Rays in stamina, strength, flexibility, focus, endurance, knowledge and overall skill.

“We’re happy to have him”, said Devil Rays coach Joe Maddon, “We’re anxious to see what he can do. If he can connect with the ball the way he did with Hollweg’s face, he should be fine.”

Opening Day: Sunday April 1, 2007

Black Comedy

Richard Jeni
October 31, 1957 - March 10, 2007
Died on March 10, 2007 of a gunshot wound in an apparent suicide.

Anyone else wish it was Richard Simmons?

Ikela And The 'Zee

SAN DIEGO – NBC10 -- A trainer at the San Diego Zoo lost part of his finger to a chimp Wednesday. A coworker of trainer Mike Bates said the two of them were doing a medical check on pygmy chimps known as bonobos Wednesday morning.

He said when Bates pointed at a chimp named Ikela to give the all clear that she was OK, the chimp bit off the tip off his finger. Bates told a San Diego newspaper he must have gotten his hand too close to the chimp's mouth.

Later, zoo workers noticed the finger tip in the middle of a cage.

They signaled for another chimp named Lana to retrieve the finger.

As soon as the second chimp handed over the fingertip, she was rewarded with raisins. Bates told the paper he was lucky the finger was still intact and that the chimp didn't think it was food. He’s had the fingertip reattached and has a 70 percent chance that it will heal, according to the paper. Bates is expected to return to work next week.

Zoo officials theorized that 15-year-old Ikela might not have been feeling well. Ikela is pregnant and could have been tired or annoyed by extra monitoring due to her pregnancy.

The picture of Ikela that is shown at the park reads, "Ikela is always pushing the limits of good behavior."

The caption for Lana, who rescued the finger, reads, "She has a strong bond with her caretakers."

http://www.nbc10.com/news/11212973/detail.html

Let's Start This Weekend Off Right

Sit back. Relax. Go Easy.

They Say A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words….

….in this case, a blog is worth 1000 views. Thank you. Yes, you.

The Brady Bundchen.

Super Bowls. Super Good Looks. …..and Super Sperm?

Rumor has it that Tom Brady’s little wide receivers have gone deep again. Deep inside Gisele Bundchen this time…..

As men across the country high-five each other in exaltation, I can’t help but wonder: How long before he hires a housekeeper named “Alice”? How long before he gets a dog named “Tiger”? How long before he loses important architectural plans in an amusement park? How long before his son, Greg, experiments with marijuana? How long before Cousin Oliver comes over to stay for a while?


Gisele Bundchen could be pregnant with boyfriend Tom Brady’s baby. The Brazilian supermodel might be over two months pregnant, according to reports on popular Brazilian celebrity website Glamurama.com. Bundchen previously told Vanity Fair, "I'd be lying if I said [I didn't want a family] -- my parents have been married for 35 years and have six children," she said. "Thing is, I'm just 26 years old, so I have plenty of time." If true, this would, of course, be the second Brady girlfriend to get pregnant in the last few months, following closely on the heels of the pregnancy of former girlfriend Bridget Moynahan.

Someone buy this guy some sheepskin already! They say quarterbacks have an internal clock when dealing with a pass rush, I think he needs to use this intuition when pulling out. Who’s with me?

Talk about Million Dollar Babies….each one is a fortune lost. Just ask Bobby Brown…………

Antonella, NO!

Don't worry, Barbie.....we'll always have my hard drive.

Joe O. To Give Limb To Ailing Panda

In December, a resident of Dajiangou village in Shaanxi province stumbled upon a group of pandas fighting, the Beijing News said. One seriously injured panda, a two- or three-year-old female that rescuers named "Niu Niu" (girl), was taken to an animal rescue center and saved, but lost two-thirds of its front left leg.

An animal research center in northern China has appealed to the world for help to fashion an artificial leg for the panda, local media reported on Thursday. But they were astonished when one man offered his actual appendage to help the sacred panda.

“I’ve always been a fan of Asians, but I freakin’ love pandas and will do anything for them. I mean, look at them—they’re so damn cute and cuddly”, said Joe O. in a statement earlier this week. “I would give my leg, my eye or even my [expletive].”

China goes to great lengths to protect the giant panda, which is regarded a national treasure and found only in nature reserves in the country's Sichuan, Gansu, Churchvile and Shaanxi provinces. So does Joe O., “I have and always will protect them like they were children of my very own”, he proclaimed.

Niu Niu's spirits have lifted, the original wound has healed and her appetite has basically recovered. But without her left paw, her loss of balance has directly affected her love life, the paper said. “That’s just something I can’t let happen,” said Joe O., “Here I am with two good legs and a perfectly good sex life…how greedy can one man be?”

“It all makes perfect sense”, added Joe O., “It’s the circle of life.”

"Hakuna Matata"

Free At Last!

Manuel Uribe celebrates with champagne during his first trip out of his house in five years. "The sky is beautiful and blue, and what I want is to enjoy the sun," said Manuel Uribe, who had once been certified by doctors as weighing 1,235 pounds.

Though still unable to leave his bed, Uribe has lost 395 pounds since he began a high-protein diet a year ago. He now weighs about 840 pounds.

To celebrate the milestone, six people pushed Uribe's wheel-equipped iron bed out to the street as a mariachi band played and a crowd gathered. Then, a forklift lifted him onto a truck and the 41-year-old rode through the streets of San Nicolas de los Garza, a Monterrey suburb.
With dozens of reporters and photographers in tow, Uribe traveled along, passing the town's plaza and church and waving at clusters of people eager to get a glimpse of him.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/americas/03/07/mexico.large.man.ap/index.html

Sure. Why Not? Dig Him Up.

For some reason, Jay Richardson, son of J.P. “The Big Bopper” Richardson, found it necessary to exhume his father’s body. Nearly 50 years after the Big Bopper was buried, he was removed from his grave to see if he had a gunshot wound. There have been rumors a gun might have been fired on board the plane that also carried Buddy Holly and Richie Valens, and that the Big Bopper might have survived the crash and died trying to get help.

But in all reality, who the hell cares?

He died, right? Do you care if it was a gunshot wound or a plane crash or a gunshot wound AND a plane crash? I don’t—it was 50 fuckin’ years ago! Let it go, brother.

There are also rumors that this is a just a ploy to “get to know his father better”, since his mother was pregnant with him when his father died and the two never got to know each other intimately.

Richardson watched with bated breath as Dr. Bill Bass, a well-known forensic anthropologist, opened the coffin on Tuesday and observed his examination. "I was hoping to put the rumors to rest," he said, "Dad still amazes me 48 years after his death, that he was in remarkable shape." What?!?!

"There was no indication of foul play," Bass said in a telephone interview from Beaumont. "There are fractures from head to toe. Massive fractures. ... (He) died immediately. He didn't crawl away. He didn't walk away from the plane."

Richardson said he was pleased with the findings because it proved the investigators "knew what they were talking about 48 years ago."

Seriously, who the fuck does this guy think he is?

Maybe now that the rumors are “put to rest”, the same can be said for The Big Bopper….

Babes In Bluntland

Pass the Dutchie to the left-hand side. No matter who's there!

An Early Spring?

It's Fuckin' Cold, eh?

A Regular Ol’ Punxsutawney Phuck You!

Keep The Car Running

Unless you live under a rock, you know that Arcade Fire's much anticipated and already widely acclaimed new album Neon Bible hits stores today.

Check out a recent performance on SNL:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dw3QIYeT5MU

"On Neon Bible, the reverb is so big and black that the beat becomes boom and the orchestral garnish gets pressed to the margins. The result is a huge sound that only sparkles on the edges, leaving Butler alone in the middle, railing against rising tides, falling bombs and the nonstop rain of shit on television like he's singing from the pulpit of an empty cathedral. Maybe that was the idea. " --Rolling Stone

Not surprisingly, the band is pulling out all the stops on their MySpace page -- they even have Reginald VelJohnson up in that bitch -- check it out here:

http://www.myspace.com/arcadefire

The Silver Screen?

Hardly. Hell, it’s not even worth bronze anymore.

What is America doing? I just don’t get it. Wild Hogs, $39 million!?!? Norbit, $82 million?!?!? Ghostrider, $94 million?!?!?

Take a look at the Top 10 movies right now: http://www.the-movie-times.com/thrsdir/TopTen.mv

So let me get this right…..the people of America do not have the physical ability to stay home? The only possible reason I can think of, is that people are going to the movies without even knowing what is playing. I can’t imagine these people left the warmth of their home and the love each other to go see such garbage.

I mean, I have a pile of garbage at my house if you want to come over and watch it for two hours—oh yeah, bring your $10. Sucker.

Fabian in car wreck.......wait, who?

The nation was shocked this past weekend to learn that Fabian is indeed alive. The 64-year old former teen idol was not only alive, but still performing at the Spotlight Casino along with former teen idols Frankie Avalon and Lou Christie (who were also thought to have been long since dead).

The 64-year-old singer was riding with his manager and daughter near Palm Desert on Friday night when a car sideswiped their vehicle, which then rolled several times, Fabian's spokesman Steve Moyer said.

After suffering minor lacerations to his head, Fabian, ever the showman, insisted the "show must go on". "It's a miracle that we survived that accident," Fabian said in a statement. "Except for being sore, I thought I could do the show. I didn't want to disappoint the audience."

Disappoint, he did not. After subtle, yet elegant, renditions of "Turn Me Loose" and "Tiger", he lost his balance and fell off the stage.

Who said you can't take pleasure in other people's pain?

*****In a related story, FABIO would like you to know that he is alive and doing well.

Down To Earth

With the people of Philadelphia gearing up for what may be the most anticipated Phillies season in recent memory, I would like to take this time to “bring you down to earth”, if you will. For even when Philadelphia surpasses the competition, as seen in the video above, the world fails to recognize this feat and chooses to honor another.

Coincidence? I think not.

Just ask Billy Penn.......

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Curse_of_Billy_Penn

First Beaver Spotted in NYC in 200 Years

Beavers grace New York City's official seal. HI-OH! But the beaver has not been seen on the flesh here for as many as 200 years — until this week.

"It had to happen because Bill (Clinton) moved into the area recently. There are only so many beavers out there and their habitats are shrinking," said Dietland Muller-Schwarze, a beaver expert at the State University of New York College of Environmental Science and Forestry in Syracuse. "He’s a real ladies man, so we're probably going to see more of them in the future."

Beavers gnawed out a prominent place in the city's early days as a European settlement, since many Europeans prefer the body “au naturale”.

The “animal” appears in the city seal to symbolize a Dutch hair trading company that factored in the city's colonial beginnings, according to the city's Web site.

But amid heavy advancements in hygiene, beavers disappeared from the city in the early 1800s, according to the city Parks & Recreation Department.

The real sign of the times is that the beaver that has made its way to the Bronx appears to be a male????, several feet (a meter) long and 2 or 3 years old, said Patrick Thomas, the curator at the nearby Bronx Zoo.

Biologists have nicknamed the animal "Jose," as a tribute to the declining hygiene in Mexico and Spain.

The Bronx Democrats have lined up federal money for a cleanup (shaving).

Bill Clinton could not be reached for comment, but did offer this “come hither” gaze......